Life, One time Deal

I've been wandering around, I suppose in a kind of daze trying to sort out where I go from here. Drew a couple of really bad sketches. Drawing helps me to focus. The last few days had me thinking about my wife. I don't want to radically change the person I was to her. My memories are precious to me and to get right down to it I know deep down that I do not want to transition. It's not just about my memories of her. I am a man with a strong feminine aspect and regardless of all the labels that's me.
The 8 days I was last out threw up some powerful feelings.
Life has thrown up a few unwanted surprises that have nothing to do with being transgender, but being T has helped me cope.
I can create my own hell or do my best to on enjoy what's left before I hopefully see her again.
I feel more at peace with myself. I know there will be bad days yet to come, but I think I can cope with the gender identity issues and hopefully anything else.
I feel extremely lucky and sometimes I think someone is looking after me.
As a line says in a song, 'Life is a one time deal'. I don't know if that is true so I'll try to make the best of this one and just be myself.
There are somethings I will never have the joy or pleasure of experiencing, but I guess that has to be the trade off.
.

Unexpected Pleasure

The last few days have been really depressing for me. It's been like a black cloud has been following me around. I can't really say whats wrong. I guess there have been a few things that have got to me.
I always try to find something to smile about and in the last post I did,
I love music and usually  I can find something to help lift my mood, but there was nothing. I kept thinking maybe tomorrow will be better, but over the last 4 or 5 days nothing was improving. In bob world I think people I know  were picking up on that I was feeling out of sorts so left me to get on with it. I've got some decisions to make which I won't go into here, but I really don't want to screw things up.
On You Tube I typed in 'Maybe Tomorrow' in the search box to see what would come up. Songs by the Jackson 5 and Stereophonics came up. Scrolling down I saw 'Poets of the Fall'. I'd never heard of them so kept scrolling down. Nothing really caught my eye, but a seed had been planted.
I decided to get some sleep, the phrase 'maybe tomorrow' repeating in my mind.' What was the name of that band ? Poets of something or other.' I wasn't going to get to sleep so I decided to type maybe tomorrow into You Tube search again.
Poets of the Fall, I thought the name sounded a bit depressing. I decided after reading some of the comments to listen to the song Maybe Tomorrow'. 'Wow', that sounds not to bad so I saved it to this blog which is in the post below.
I decided I had to listen to some more. Carnival of Rust I think is their cd from 2006. This band is good, I love the lyrics and the singer really delivers them. The songs hooked me.
This band are virtually unknown in the UK. One comment stated how good they are and ended with,'By the way they are Finnish.' That surprised me for some reason. I think they are a rock band with a distinctive sound. I think given enough air play in say the USA they would do very well at least.
I spent £15 and downloaded 2 of their albums, 'Carnival of Rust and Twilight Theater'. I've always liked rooting around for stuff in record shops, but with independent record shops disappearing, that's becoming a thing of the past, sadly.
Unexpectedly finding  music like this is very satisfying and has certainly helped lift that black cloud.
The song at the start of this post 'Sorry Go Round', has become a firm favourite.
Have a listen and hopefully enjoy.
Karen x

Maybe it will be.