YouTube - Lucie Silvas - Guardian Angel + Lyrics
This is a song I posted a link to on the other blog and I know it became a favourite of Debbie who has helped me so much with her positive thoughts and messages. Today I hope her Guardian Angel is watching over her.
Tuesday, 3 November 2009
Saturday, 31 October 2009
Changes in the Shadows
Decided to make a few changes and stick to more or less about when I look briefly out of the closet. I've got a couple of outings planned. The first one I was thinking of taking the train from Newcastle to Manchester enfemme. I must admit I will probably travel in bob mode as I have never done that particular journey before. Carting my luggage and keeping an eye on it is another variable. There is also checking into a hotel I have never stayed in before when I get to Manchester. In the end I guess bob wins.
The title of this blog I decided to change for reasons that do make sense to me.
The other blog is now deleted because I was putting one depressing post up after another and really I don't want to do that.
I spend most of my life in bob mode which will never change with me living presenting briefly as Karen at times. That is the reality and everything else, health problems etc I have to deal with, is dealt with in bob mode so there is no point going on about it here. In saying that thank you to everyone who has left comments here and on Limbo Land they have been a great help, more than any of you could know.
I am lucky I get to take a break as Karen every now and again.
I guess I get to live in the shadow of a dream, but that's all it will ever be for me, but that is ok it could be a lot worse.
The title of this blog I decided to change for reasons that do make sense to me.
The other blog is now deleted because I was putting one depressing post up after another and really I don't want to do that.
I spend most of my life in bob mode which will never change with me living presenting briefly as Karen at times. That is the reality and everything else, health problems etc I have to deal with, is dealt with in bob mode so there is no point going on about it here. In saying that thank you to everyone who has left comments here and on Limbo Land they have been a great help, more than any of you could know.
I am lucky I get to take a break as Karen every now and again.
I guess I get to live in the shadow of a dream, but that's all it will ever be for me, but that is ok it could be a lot worse.
Sunday, 18 October 2009
3Ks and a Confidence Boost
I had a great couple of days out in Newcastle which gave me a real confidence boost.
I met up with the girls in Twist. I was first there as I'm always chopping at the bit to get out if I haven't been out in a while. It had been nearly a month which is quite short since last time.
Bea, Karen Dawn, Karen Mayo, Claire and a lady friend of Bea's turned up. Altogether there were 3 of us called Karen which got a bit confusing, hence the 3Ks in the title.
We moved on to an Indian restaurant where we met up with Christine and Gemma. I only knew Bea, Gemma and Karen Dawn so it was great to meet the other girls. I had a good chat with Claire and Christine. Claire was struggling a bit as she had had a long drive and was feeling very tired.
We had a really nice meal and then moved on to The Yard A T friendly gay bar. Christine, Claire, and Bea's friend decided to call it a night. At the Yard I got talking to a few other girls and a genetic girl who gave me all sorts of compliments about my make up, hair (wig) and how I was dressed which was really nice. I also got similar comments from a couple of gay guys in their twenties. Who were talking to Bea and Karen Dawn. It was refreshing that the conversation with them didn't revolve around sex.
I had a nice chat with Karen Mayo who is having her surgery early next year. I think Bea and myself were the only ones not transitioning. Karen seemed to be quite worried about me and thought I had fallen over somewhere when I disappeared for awhile. I was just in the queue for the toliet. A real disadvantage for women if you are desperate.
The night came to an end. Gemma offered to give me a lift, but the hotel was quite near so I said I would be ok.
The hotel was opposite the train station and on the way back it was quite busy. Nobody paid any attention to me which was great it can be quite wild round there.
Saturday morning I went out about 10am. Now I was a bit nervous about going out in the city centre. It felt like a totally different proposition to Manchester which probably see's more transgender people. My fears were unfounded. I got a couple of looks from some people, but that is to be expected I guess, but nothing bad. A lot of teenagers were out in the city centre, but none gave me any hassle. All the shop assistants I spoke to were really nice and very helpful. I didn't actually buy much, the queues were quite long, but I did get a really nice top that I am really pleased with.
I had said to Bea I would text her in the morning and we could meet up. Now it gets a bit complicated. I had been in touch with Andrea via the Angels Forum a friend of Bea's who lives in Durham. I said I could get the train out and meet up with her and Mrs Andrea. Now I had never met them because they both couldn't make it out the couple of times I had been in Newcastle before. Now to cut a long story short after a few texts, Bea turned up I think with a hangover.
We went for a coffee and I told her Andrea had been in touch so Bea decided we could drive through to Durham.
This was a real first for me I had never been to Durham at all and I would like to get a better a look around sometime as we didn't have much time. It was great to finally meet Andrea and Mrs Andrea. Andrea is out virtually out full time similar to Bea in some respects. I know she has had some problems, but is overcoming them and I wish them both all the best.
The evening came to an end and after dropping off the 2 Andreas, Bea ran me back to my hotel.
I got an early night after all the nerves I did feel drained and very tired.
I had really enjoyed myself and got a massive confidence boost.
I feel more at ease with myself and presenting as female just feels so right for me. I know I will never completely escape the closet, but I am finding a balance with more freedom.
That for me is all I really want after everything that has happened this year. The friends I have made, some I've met, some I haven't, have been an immense help for which I can never thank them enough.
Karen xxx
I met up with the girls in Twist. I was first there as I'm always chopping at the bit to get out if I haven't been out in a while. It had been nearly a month which is quite short since last time.
Bea, Karen Dawn, Karen Mayo, Claire and a lady friend of Bea's turned up. Altogether there were 3 of us called Karen which got a bit confusing, hence the 3Ks in the title.
We moved on to an Indian restaurant where we met up with Christine and Gemma. I only knew Bea, Gemma and Karen Dawn so it was great to meet the other girls. I had a good chat with Claire and Christine. Claire was struggling a bit as she had had a long drive and was feeling very tired.
We had a really nice meal and then moved on to The Yard A T friendly gay bar. Christine, Claire, and Bea's friend decided to call it a night. At the Yard I got talking to a few other girls and a genetic girl who gave me all sorts of compliments about my make up, hair (wig) and how I was dressed which was really nice. I also got similar comments from a couple of gay guys in their twenties. Who were talking to Bea and Karen Dawn. It was refreshing that the conversation with them didn't revolve around sex.
I had a nice chat with Karen Mayo who is having her surgery early next year. I think Bea and myself were the only ones not transitioning. Karen seemed to be quite worried about me and thought I had fallen over somewhere when I disappeared for awhile. I was just in the queue for the toliet. A real disadvantage for women if you are desperate.
The night came to an end. Gemma offered to give me a lift, but the hotel was quite near so I said I would be ok.
The hotel was opposite the train station and on the way back it was quite busy. Nobody paid any attention to me which was great it can be quite wild round there.
Saturday morning I went out about 10am. Now I was a bit nervous about going out in the city centre. It felt like a totally different proposition to Manchester which probably see's more transgender people. My fears were unfounded. I got a couple of looks from some people, but that is to be expected I guess, but nothing bad. A lot of teenagers were out in the city centre, but none gave me any hassle. All the shop assistants I spoke to were really nice and very helpful. I didn't actually buy much, the queues were quite long, but I did get a really nice top that I am really pleased with.
I had said to Bea I would text her in the morning and we could meet up. Now it gets a bit complicated. I had been in touch with Andrea via the Angels Forum a friend of Bea's who lives in Durham. I said I could get the train out and meet up with her and Mrs Andrea. Now I had never met them because they both couldn't make it out the couple of times I had been in Newcastle before. Now to cut a long story short after a few texts, Bea turned up I think with a hangover.
We went for a coffee and I told her Andrea had been in touch so Bea decided we could drive through to Durham.
This was a real first for me I had never been to Durham at all and I would like to get a better a look around sometime as we didn't have much time. It was great to finally meet Andrea and Mrs Andrea. Andrea is out virtually out full time similar to Bea in some respects. I know she has had some problems, but is overcoming them and I wish them both all the best.
The evening came to an end and after dropping off the 2 Andreas, Bea ran me back to my hotel.
I got an early night after all the nerves I did feel drained and very tired.
I had really enjoyed myself and got a massive confidence boost.
I feel more at ease with myself and presenting as female just feels so right for me. I know I will never completely escape the closet, but I am finding a balance with more freedom.
That for me is all I really want after everything that has happened this year. The friends I have made, some I've met, some I haven't, have been an immense help for which I can never thank them enough.
Karen xxx
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