Getting Ready

Started getting ready for my next outing. I have manged to wreck one epilator. Oh well didn't quite get a year out of it. Now I've been trying not to burn myself with a tub of wax. I haven't had a chance to visit a beauty salon again which is a shame,
I so looking forwaard to my time out for a few days in Manchester and seeing everyone again.Every time feels like Christmas. I've also got 2 days in Newcastle next month and this time I plan to do some shopping there which should be interesting and different to Manchester.

In November I also should be able to make a return visit to Doreens Fashions in London for a couple of things. It was after my first visit there I finally decided to get out in Manchester. Unfortunately I'll be in bob mode in London,but I am determined to get out there in K mode in the near future. I really hate refering to myself as Karen and bob, but I guess it saves some confusion .
It's a great feeling getting back to what I enjoy most. Last time out was a real test and to be honest I felt really afraid. My confidence for some reason had taken a real knock. I am positive about the future. In the end what will be will be and I really want to enjoy life as much as I can.

No Connection

I wrote whats below after I came back from a great time out in Newcastle and then following seeing the neurologist. It's me rambling about what I was told and me getting very nervous and probably very silly. I wasn't going to post this, but then thought why not? I might as well get it out of my system even if I do look a bit stupid trying to connect things that have no connection.
Karen 09/09/09
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I don't know what it is, but I guess most people feel uneasy in hospitals. I've had to visit one a few times this year. My last visit ended up with more questions than answers. I've got at least one more appointment to check up on my eye. During my last visit I was asked more questions to update my medical history. It was tempting to get out one thing about myself, but I thought what would be the point it has no relevence. It was unnerving when told that Optic Neuritis mainly affects women in their 20's. I was then told very quickly it does affect men, but is less common especially for someone my age. The ms diagnosis is on hold as I've only had one attack and the abnormalities on the MRI can't be confirmed as due to ms. At least they decided not to do the lumbar punture. Now I just watch and wait.

I looked on the net about ms and optic neuritis for some of the statistics and the odds of me being finally diagnosed with ms. On different sites they do vary, but all agree they are more common among women. Optic neuritis is a classic sympton of ms, but can be caused by something else, but then again no one knows what causes ms. Another thing I have been told I have a greater than 50% chance of developing ms, but in what form no one knows. This has been borne out by what I've looked at elsewhere.


My life seems so far to have had a series of unanswered questions. In the end I guess that is true for a lot of people. There is no point trying to connect unknowns that have never been connected in any shape or form. I did look at some intersex sites which told me nothing.The fact is men and women get optic neuritis and ms, being transgender has no bearing on it and me trying to connect them is a waste of time.


There are some questions I would like to ask, but would the answers improve things for me and anyway they probably wouldn't be answers just opinions.
I won't give up looking to see if there is anything that makes sense, but really life is a mystery to be explored and enjoyed where possible.

Alive and Kicking Again

Well the last post written while sitting in the hotel room waiting to go out is quite funny to me now. My fear was unfounded as I knew it would be. I looked out the window, I was up on the 4th floor. I had a view of the hotel entrance. There was a taxi rank which was quite busy and there were loads of people out smoking. I could hear lots of shouting. Getting a hotel in Newcastle can be difficult at the weekend due to the amount of stag and hen parties.

I grabbed my handbag and went out the door. I closed my good eye for a few seconds walking down the corridor. The other one was definitely a bit worse, but I knew that wouldn't last. This really felt like that first time I walked out in Manchester. Into the lift, through the reception and outside. I walked by with my head up and a smile on my face not rushing. I didn't hear or see anything directed at me. I felt very nervous but really alive. All I could think off was 'This is me, and I love it.

Out on the street I was heading towards the Centre for Life which wasn't far away. I was meeting Bea and whoever else was coming out in a bar called Twist. I was first there even though I was a bit late, but that wasn't a problem. I got an orange juice, alcohol is virtually out these days, and I sat by the window. I had calmed down, but emotionally I seemed to be in overdrive. I was so happy to be out. Bea and Karen Dawn turned up and it fantastic to see Bea again and meet Karen. It seems there are a few Karen's in Newcastle, a popular name. Karen and myself had the idea that we should find as many girls called Karen and have a night out in Newcastle and totally confuse Bea. Karen told me she has been coming out for about 3 months, but she has had a constant battle throughout her life and is heading towards transition. This has taken a toll on her personal life. A lovely lady, I really wish her all the best. Denny then turned up who I had met before. Denny is also in the process of transition, female to male and I think he said he had got his gender recognition certificate. Denny really is a nice bloke, a bit quiet, but I guess it's a bit difficult listening to us lot.

We went of to the Chinese restaurant where we met Gemma. Now there were a few good natured nose jokes. Gemma had not long had her nose done, and we got the photos and story. Bea did then go quieter. I thought Gemma looked really well and I got the feeling she was more confident in herself from the last time I saw her. She is a lovely lass and I hope everything continues to go well for her. We had a lovely meal. I got the hang of the chopsticks again. We all talked about various things. How life was treating us all. Happy and sad it was all there. It was a release for me. I've had to deal with a few things since I was last out and make a few changes. One thing I hope continues is being able to see my friends where ever they are in this country.

After the meal we went to a bar called the Yard. I lost everyone briefly thinking they had gone upstairs. Eventually I found them. Upstairs was packed, so not much chance off having a dance. A male admirer and his wife ended up talking to us. I got asked about my hands. They are the one thing that dosen't give me away. They are smaller or about the same size as some womens' I know. It also seems I look smaller than my actual height and I got complemented on my cheek bones. It is nice to get these compliments, but when you have another bloke standing at the bar staring at you it is a bit strange. I am hetrosexual, but these days sex isn't an issue at all. It's been a few years and these days I would be more than happy to just go out shopping with a girl. Men do not interest me at all.

One thing talking to Gemma and Karen and other girls since I've been getting out. I've wondered what effect the hormones would have on me. I've always wondered how I would be as a woman.

That journey isn't for me. I may not be much of a man, but I am and I do not have the will or courage to transition and all power to those that do. Taking hormones could be potentially very dangerous I guess, for me as my system is a bit screwed up. I have heard of a lady in the States who has MS and is continuing to transition that shows how much it means to those who take that road. It really is tough and that is understatement.

The night came to an end and we all hugged. Gemma had her car and was dropping Bea and Karen off.

It was the end of a fantastic night out. Next time in Newcastle I want to spend a couple of days there and go shopping, but Manchester is next and I basically get to live as I want for 5 days, but more importantly see more of my friends. I really am lucky.

May you realise your dreams and goals.

Love

Karen xx

P.S. The picture above is me in the restaurant really happy. It just felt right to put it with this post.